


the start and the end (are always so different)

by pinkyerim



Category: K-pop, f(x), 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD
Genre: Alcohol, F/F, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, and an even poorer understanding of music production., poor understanding of korean honorifics /truly sorry about this/, sex warning includes: threesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-03-05 10:04:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13385529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkyerim/pseuds/pinkyerim
Summary: Amber loves music, Taeyeon writes her favorite song, but in the end, it’s not about that.





	the start and the end (are always so different)

**Author's Note:**

> title from my favorite line of taeyeon's best song (time lapsesus) - 
> 
> 그래 사랑이란 게 다 그런 거지 뭐  
> 항상 시작과 끝은 달라도 너무 다르고
> 
>  
> 
> _For Patti, it’s not much, but something to thank you for everything you’ve taught me. Go on and find your great perhaps, little one._

♪  **Track One: Intro**   
  
In her eyes , all artists were narcissists.    
  
Whomever claimed otherwise was lying. Either to themselves or the person in front of them.    
  
When you go to school for music, the first question you get asked is «Why?». «Why do you want to compose? Who do you want to compose for?» And once again, the artist’s narcissistic nature comes to light; the correct answer is always  _ «myself» _ . 

 

When she was younger, Amber rejected this. She wanted to say her reason for carrying music so deep in her bones was others. To help others, to touch others, to meet others. It was only recently she understood those were selfish reasons too. 

 

«Make peace with it - turn it into beauty. Do with it things you’re younger self would never recognise came from such place.» Her favorite teacher said to her on her last day of University.    
  
It’s been a couple years since that. Never ending, fast paced uni days long gone.    
  


Two years ago, during her final job interview her boss made her that same question. Amber was not one for cockiness, but she couldn't help the smirk that formed on the corner of her mouth,  _ «Myself. To free the voices residing in my blood.» _ She asked her what they said and Amber got the job after answering she had to hire her to find out for herself.   
  
Truth was, sometimes they called her a traitor, or a liar, or a thief. She denied nothing, because maybe she was.

  
  
  


The discordant beat was loud. Screaming inside Amber’s head. She had been working on this song for weeks now. A special request from the leader of the group the company was debuting soon. A nice kid from the suburbs of a big city in the middle of nowhere in Europe. 

 

Junmyeon was always so polite, complementing everything she showed them, showing his enthusiasm, as if they had a pick at what songs they’d be lending their voices to. It warmed her heart, so when he knocked on her studio's door late at night a couple weeks ago, with a crumpled paper in his hands and the ever present want in his eyes, she hugged him and accepted the incomplete lyrics.

 

The thing was, she couldn't finish the song.    
  
There was a line about questioning if leaving home was the correct decision, she understood that. Could relate. A pretty universal feeling.  Her first day on the job was the day the list with the names of those debuting next went up, that was two years ago... The line about desperation and hunger came as no surprise.

 

But then there were words scattered around the paper,  _ longing, pinning, desire _ . Want Want Want was written upside down on the bottom corner. Amber was having a hard time putting them into actual lyrics.

 

There was also the feeling of discomfort that came with holding what was most likely a page of this kid’s diary on her hands.

 

Amber paused the track and brought the bass line down. Her neck was killing her, her eyes were burning, but she was happy. This was everything she ever wanted. At least that’s what she wanted to believe.    
  
Save > Close.    
  
She locked up her small studio. 

  
  


It had gotten pretty late by the time she made it back home.  A nice sized apartment in the heart of Gyeongnidan with a brick terrace she made sure got all the attention it deserved.  
  
The cool Autumn night clinging on to her skin briefly made her think to ask for a week off next month to go back home and enjoy the sun. She wouldn’t do it thought.  A thought well known to be forgotten by morning sun. 

 

“You can’t keep coming home late like this, how am I supposed to rest thinking you’ve been murdered?” Her roommate, Soojung greeted her from the couch. Duck pajamas and hair in a bun.   
  
Taking off her shoes, Amber smiled in return. “You are not to think the worst, little Soojung.”   
  


They had been living together for almost a year now, Soojung was the little sister of one of Amber’s childhood friends from America and a rising actress in the web drama wave young adults liked so much. Viva Dramafever.   
  
She was surprised to hear from Jessica, having only stayed in touch through the occasional birthday post on facebook, but couldn’t refuse when she asked her to take care of her baby sister with her impending move to Korea. After becoming close through text, Jessica would point this out as one of Amber’s flaws.

 

“How was work today?”   
  
One of Soojung’s rescued kittens, the white one, Hades, picked that moment to jump onto her lap, “It was fine” she started, petting the satanic creature. Amber couldn't understand how something so small could be so mean. “I love acting but it just, get's hard, you know? It’s so hard to be me.” The Light Hearted joke putting a smile on their faces.    
  


Amber chuckles, “Don’t make me puke.”   
  
They talk about the food they ate and say goodnight.

 

Just another day coming to an end.   
  
  


To all her friends , she was the recklessly daring one.

 

Hyoyeon going as far as to nickname her Daredevil. But in all honestly, her favorite part of the day was coming home, walking her dog, taking a shower, the boring stuff.    
  
Soojung had mentioned one night, after a few bottles, how deeply it saddened her that Amber felt the need to create a new persona, even for the people she claimed to love the most.  _ «Just be yourself Amber. Your boring, loving self.» _ _  
  
_

But, how do you stop pretending after such a long time?

 

She knows better than to pin her sorrows on someone else. Yet, here she is - ignoring absolutely everything her mother is saying from the other side of the line because she knows whatever she is talking about will remind her of when she left home. When she was forced to leave home. She’s good at pretending it doesn't hurt anymore, only thing she has to do is remind herself how much she likes her job. Only allowing herself to be petty on rare occasions like this - the monthly call home.    
  
It’s always the same dance. Usually, her little brother picks up the phone and hurriedly tells her about his footy games and classes, says a quick goodbye and hands the phone to their mom - who would've thought an eleven year old had such a busy life. Her mom, however, likes to fake interest.    
  


They say your mother’s love is unconditional, the purest and most self-less kind of love. Amber’s mom didn't get the memo about this Universal Rule.    
  
Her dad died when she was just out of high school, a long battle with a heart disease. They knew it was coming, she had enough time to say her goodbyes and he even made it to see her get her diploma. He went peacefully. As peacefully as knowing you are going to die any day can be. 

 

Amber was meant to stay home for a year, help her mother and newborn baby brother out. Imagine her surprise when she came home one day to her bags half packed and a new man on her father’s side of the couch. « _ I want you to apply to schools abroad and leave.» _ _  
_   
She understands now, she thinks, why her mother did it. Some people just can't be alone - she didn’t know how to do both - get a new life and help her daughter make her dreams come true.   
  
Still, that monthly phone call Physically  _ Hurts _ . And it frustrates Amber, because she knows she is being selfish.    
  


She pauses the movie, feeling a bit of remorse and brings the phone up to her ear just in time to hear her mother repeat herself, “Did you hear me? Amber are you sleeping enough?”   
  
“Not really, I’ve had a lot of work Mom.” She closes her eyes and sinks further down on the couch, Friends is on Netflix, it’s the episode with the Turkey Head. 

 

“You need to sleep, I saw on the news every night you don’t sleep at least 6 hours takes 1 year away from your life!” 

 

_ Marvelous _ . Amber thinks, less time with herself.

 

She tells Soojung about it the next morning before she leaves for work, over left over pancakes and after she’s told her about the new song she needs to master for Tiffany.    
  
“You know your life would be easier if you took your boss’ word and let one of the older trainees be your assistant. God knows they never debut after the eight year, anyway.” Soojung was a good Scorpio, always so shameless with her words. “Have a good day Krystal, try not to bring home any more stray cats.”   
  
“I don’t promise anything.”

  
  


She knows Soojung and her mother are right. She needs the help. So she calls her boss.   
  
She had an assistant by lunch time. Some Kim Taeyeon, who, in her boss’ own words, was “as discordant as the song you are working on”. Victoria was not even supposed to know about that song... yet.

  
  


She is wearing ripped shorts and her long black hair loose when she shows up in Amber’s studio later that day. “Kim Taeyeon, reporting for duty Captain, Oh my Captain!”   
  
Amber pauses the track, her tiny laugh turning big in the small room, “Did you just quote two different movies?”   
  
The girl, Taeyeon, nods and makes herself comfortable on Amber’s couch, “I was told you were American, thought the cliches would make you feel like home.”

 

There is something to the way she speaks. The weight she gives her words is almost melodic. She reminds Amber of a good Blink182 song.

 

Amber plays along, faking shock by bringing her hands up to cover her mouth, “Are you really insulting your boss day one of the job?”

  
She shrugs, “Think about it. This could be  _ our _ thing.”

 

“Tommy and Jerry? Or should we solve crimes?”

  
They match well enough to skip the awkward introductions and get to work, Good.  Amber shows her Tiffany’s track and in return, Taeyeon offers her to transcribe the hook’s chord progression, and embarrassing pictures from when Tiffany was in her teens.    
  


It's past midnight, when the track is rendering, that Amber has the courage to ask, “Does it hurt?” She knows there’s no need to be specific.    
  
Taeyeon who was previously staring at the loading window on the screen offers her a sympathetic smile, “Sometimes, when I go to their showcases and stuff.” Amber appreciates the sincerity and leaves it at that. 

  
  
“I’m gonna need your phone number.”     
  
Taeyeon nods and accepts her phone. 

 

It’s not until a few days later when Amber needs a paper she can’t find that she sees Taeyeon saved herself in english as  _ Sailor #1 _ :  _ Taengoo. _

  
  
  


Amber remembers parts of her life through songs.    
  
She remembers her first soccer game well because her cousin was playing Savage Garden’s album on their drive to the field, she ended up humming one of their songs throughout the game. They lost.   
  
When she was fifteen Michelle Branch’s “Are You Happy Now” was a hit, she remembers this specially well because that song was playing the first time Amber kissed a girl, in the back of her best friend’s car after a Halloween party. She was Mowgli that year, Ally, the girl whose face she hardly remembers now, was dressed as a lame excuse for a mouse.    
  
She never dwell on it. It is what it is. 

  
  


Their days pass by like that. Amber struggles to give her tasks - one day Taeyeon stops asking. She busies herself with big things like organizing Amber’s  computer files, running around the building delivering messages when a phone isn’t good enough... but also doing small things for her, like making sure she eats three times a day and washing the blanket she keeps in the studio every so often because she knows how cold Amber gets.

 

Amber is still tired, still goes out by herself to a different bar most nights. But at least she doesn’t look like a raccoon anymore. 

 

Over a month has already passed when Amber has time to show her Junmyeon’s song.    
  
She has been noticing things lately. Like how her headphones look so small on Taeyeon’s head, which makes absolutely no sense since she is so damn petite. The girl’s perfectly done nail art on bitten raw nails, her calloused fingers from playing bass - Amber makes a mental note to ask her to play for her one day. How she always pairs simple shirts with chaotic bottoms; today she is wearing a white tank top with the ugliest ripped up, canary yellow pants - quite possibly the ugliest combo to ever exist. And yet, she looks like she belongs in the cover of Teen Vogue or something…

 

Taeyeon is four years younger than her. At twenty five she is far from being a kid, but to Amber she is. However, she doesn’t feel like one. Yes, she’s youthful, but she has shown herself to be more of a Mystery. Desirable, if you will. 

 

Her mind starts wandering and before she can stop herself she gets to the question, she thinks everyone that meets Taeyeon must ask themselves, why did it never happen? Why did she never debut? How can someone as beautiful not be good enough for an industry so obsessed with beauty?

 

She has to physically shake herself out of the trance when she sees Taeyeon is done listening to the song. “It makes no sense.”    
  
“What doesn’t?”   
  
Taeyeon frowns, “Can I be honest?” 

 

“That’s why I hired you.” 

  
Taeyeon rolls her eyes, “One, you did not hire me, I was assigned to you and no one is paying me, much to my dislike. And two, the lyrics are all in the wrong order, and the music is so... it shouldn't be so angry. Complicated? Yes. Unbalanced? Perhaps. But not angry. It needs a pattern.”    
  
Amber chuckles, “Victoria used that song to describe you to me once. When I first asked to get an assistant.”

 

Taeyeon raises her eyebrow teasingly. It’s odd how someone’s mundane action can trigger so much inside someone else, because that’s the moment Amber starts seeing the other side to things, the one that isn’t as noticeable. 

 

Like how she’s felt less tired but more anxious lately - not the aggressive form of anxiety you feel like a dagger to your chest, but the sugar sweet one you feel with your stomach. More than anything, her mind plays her a movie of all the times her lips have smiled of their own accord since meeting Taeyeon.

 

Taeyeon turns her attention back to the screen and Amber wants to scream. Out of nowhere she gets this kick to her groin, the selfish desire to have Taeyeon’s attention only to herself. But Amber is good at this, dusting  _ want _ and  _ need _ off her shoulders. 

 

Taeyeon starts clicking around the screen, “It needs to be more passive.”    
  


Amber leans back and closes her eyes, and just... tries to hear it. The sounds of waves hitting the shore at the beginning of the song, maybe sounds of rain hitting water during the bridge. She’s not very religious, but for what feels like the millionth time in the last seven weeks, Amber thanks whatever, whoever brought Taeyeon to her. ”I’ve been trying to make it blood red, when it is meant to be Blue.”   
  
She is still in her own world, adding percussion, when a noise that sounds little like a laugh and more like a dying sea creature interrupts her. She opens her eyes only to see a hunched over, barely breathing Kim Taeyeon, “I have never heard anything so pretentious in my life,” quick pause for air, “and I’ve been a trainee for almost 14 years,” quick pause for air, “I can't believe you just said that, your wardrobe consists of sneakers and gray graphic hoodies.”   
  


“The way I dress is a protest against Capitalism.” 

 

They laugh for a while until suddenly they are not laughing anymore and maybe Amber lets herself look at her lips for a seconds.   
  
Amber doesn’t know if Taeyeon notices too, though, she knows Taeyeon dates women as well as men, she brushed over it a couple weeks ago over another rendering track and a cold beer. So she wonders.

  
  
  


Later that night, when Amber is lying in bed next to the most annoying of Soojung’s strays, she allows herself to think of pretty hands and even prettier eyes.    
  


  
  


She’s had a recurring dream ever since she graduated middle school. She’s standing in the middle of a white room with high a ceiling and large windows that reach all the way down to the marble floor. In the dream, she just stands there, in the middle of the room facing the widest window. It’s night time outside, if the darkness that comes through means anything. It’s always the same, the only thing that changes is the way the room is lit up. Sometimes it’s soft blue lights, sometimes it’s not lit up at all. Tonight, she dreams of a canary yellow lit room. 

  
  
  


A couple days later she decides it’s time to steal Junmyeon away to work on the song. “I’ve known him since he was eight.” Taeyeon says with her feet resting on Amber’s desk. She has her sketchbook out perched on her lap. “Junmyeon, I mean. Never struck me as a lyricist.”   
  
Amber hums in response, her eyes set on perfecting the guitar line on her screen. Taeyeon sighs loudly, “I just can’t stop thinking about it.”   
  
Amber turns to look at her, resting her face on the desk. “The kid?”   
  
Taeyeon plays no interest to her comment and closes her sketchbook. “Does he know it’s not a song they’ll let him keep?”   
  
There’s a knock on the door before Amber can answer that composing is not always a matter of keeping songs, or revealing songs. Most times, it’s just about Making songs.    
  
  
They stare at him for a while. Usually Amber feels guilty for calling him a kid, but right now, sitting perfectly straight on the corner of Amber’s couch with a notepad and a pen on his lap, he looks exactly like that. He also looks like a mess. 

 

“We are testing looks for the debut.” He explained shyly when Taeyeon let him in a couple of minutes ago. No one has said anything since.   
  
Taeyeon breaks the silence first. “You have pink hair. Not even a pretty pink, it’s more like the machine that makes the colors had an error and created a neon monster.” Amber didn’t even know neon hair could be done.

 

He hums, nods, quickly enough for Amber to question if he even did it at all. “I am a bit more concerned about the long extensions that go down to my hips. But the pink hair is something too.”   
  
Taeyeon chuckles, “You are funny.” pointing at him, she says.  “Well, I’ll leave you two to it. I have a class to teach.”   
  
Both follow her body with their eyes as she leaves the room. 

 

Amber is not used to people crying. She doesn't know how to handle it. When she was younger and her little brother cried the only thing she ever thought about doing was tickling him. It worked more often than not, but she doesn't think tickling an eighteen year old is an option, at all.   
  
She settles for patting him on the back, “Why don't you go in there and give it a try?” He nods and takes the freshly printed lyrics with him into Amber's tiny recording booth.    
  
The beat floods their ears.  _ «Tell me, does it beat? I need to hear..» _

 

It sinks in tragically fast, how fucked up Amber really is. Because in that moment, as she stares at a very emotional kid, singing his lyrics out loud for the first time, a moment she’s loved since the first time it happened, her favorite part of working in the company - all she can think about is sharing it with wide eyes, yellow jeans, ugly laugh Taeyeon. 

 

She can't let this happen, it’s unprofessional and in all honestly, she truly believes she has no time for it. She gives Taeyeon a week off.   
  
  
That night the room has no windows.    
  
  
  
Taeyeon shows up with short blonde hair the next Wednesday and no sketchbook. Amber says nothing.    
  


  
  


♪ **Track Two: There Is A Light That Never Goes Out**   
  
She doesn’t bother knocking on Hyo’s studio door, she knows the girl is too busy counting beats and wiping sweat off her forehead to open the door. “Jesus, this place smells like my high school's locker room.”  
  
Hyoyeon is on the far off left corner with her legs spread in front of her, laptop in the middle, one headphone in, “Teenagers and some adults do sweat like their lives depend on it within this walls, Amber.” 

 

Amber laughs, “And they don’t?”   
  
She looks horrible. Not bad - Amber doubts someone as beautiful as Hyoyeon could ever look bad, but she looks horrible.    
  


She slides her back against one of the big mirrors and props her elbows on her knees, hands squishing her cheeks. If there is ever a time to pull the agyo card, Amber knows it’s now. “Come get drunk with me tonight, pretty please.”   
  
“Cuteness inspires aggression, and a physical example is coming your way.” Amber sees her click something, probably pausing whatever she’s focusing on - she learned the hard way a long time ago not to spy on Hyoyeon’s computer, although she doubts she’d be watching porn right now. “How dare you ask that from me when you know I have two major comebacks to prepare for?”    
  


Amber shrieks, “You little demon, you are smiling so big. Why are you trying to make me beg for it?”   
  
“Begging serves you right.” The blonde turns her body to Amber, grabbing her by the ankles, “We haven't gone drinking just you and me in a long time. What brings the cordial invitation?”    
  
She’d be lying if she said the only reason was missing her best friend. A lie she’d see right through.     
  
She has things in her mind. It has been over a week since her assistant chopped off her hair and Amber has not seen that beaten up sketchbook, not even when she -  _ accidentally _ \- looked inside Taeyeon’s bag.    
  


“You trained with my assistant, I just - I have a weird feeling about her.”   
  
Hyoyeon lets go off her feet, the sudden release makes Amber remember it’s been a long time since anyone was comfortable enough with her to touch. To press.   
  
Hyoyeon doesn’t seem to have let go because of the question, if anything, she seems to have expected it. “Taeyeon gives people a lot of feelings, alright.” She’d sound mean to Amber if she didn't know better - If she didn't know it only means she cares. “Weird is only one of them.”   
  


Amber doesn't mention how in the week since she’s been back, her assistant has said a total of three sentences to her. The same three things, over and over again. She doesn't mention how on her way down the stairs to the parking lot, she found Taeyeon yelling at one of the trainees - Wendy - both crying. 

 

It looked wrong and made Amber feel heavy.   
  
She replays the scene over and over in her head while she waits for her friend. During the time it takes Hyoyeon to grab her things and take a shower, Amber decides two things: One, she is getting wasted tonight - won't remember a thing in the morning, sour taste on the tongue, wasted - and Two, there’s a side to Taeyeon she doesn’t know, and she’s not sure she wants to.    
  
  
  
The bar they decide on is fairly new. Been opened less than a year. Hyo describes it as a try-hard. Amber can relate.   
  
The blinking lights inside the bar remind Amber of her dream - the one she”s been having more often than not. Inside, everyone seems to be holding pink drinks and cold beers. Inside, bodies are pressed together in a way that leaves no room for the cold to spread. Inside, the music is so loud she can drown out her thoughts. She likes it inside.    
  


  
When she was in seventh grade, Amber’s English teacher made her class read about fairies.   
  
Some people believe fairies were the original population of Earth. Before humans came and scared them into hiding in caves and woods. Another belief is that fairies can’t stand cold iron. Often, believers are superstitious about calling fairies by said name; they fear every time the word is said One dies somewhere. Instead opting to use titles like  _ the good people _ or  _ those with Peace _ . Not because they believe they are good or peaceful, but because they hope that by calling them that, they would be left alone.    
  


Unstable, untrue, treacherous.... all words used in the books she read as a child to describe fairies. Standing by her table, with her arm around a tall brunette and stranger’s cigarette smoke sticking to her skin, Amber thinks, Kim Taeyeon is a fairy and Amber is as cold as iron.    
  
  
  
The last thing she remembers is watching her friend on top of someone else's table dancing to one of Destiny Child’s songs and a sweet voice whispering in her ear to take her home.

 

That night she doesn’t dream.

  
  


♪  **Track Three: Twenty Two**

 

When Taeyeon was 22 she was told to make a choice. 

 

It didn’t come as much of a shock after ten years of being a trainee. Still, the memory of that May morning beats heavy on her heart, even now. 

 

So, instead of being sold to another company (“They specialize in solo acts”, they said), she opted for staying behind as a vocal coach, “raising the babies”, Tiffany had said. 

 

She still cries sometimes. 

 

Her mother had been happy just to know that she had a job, something. Even if it wasn’t a career. It was her little sister who never held back when asking  _ why? _

 

The thing is, there’s a problem to getting asked that question so much. Taeyeon doesn’t  _ know _ why. 

 

The company never offered an explanation, and she never asked. 

♪  **Track Four: 뱀샘 (Up All Night)**

 

It didn’t take them long to get back to the way things were before. Or at least play pretend. 

 

The summer months came and went in a wave of sweaty skins, loud voices and tears. Some of happiness, some of stress. But as always, left everyone calmed. 

 

Amber liked this time of the year, late September with its nice weather and even nicer sounds, those of tranquility. 

 

With Tiffany’s summer album being a success, and Junmyeon’s song long finished, Amber found herself in a pretty uncommon position, with a lot of free time. Her boss suggested a trip back home, Amber offered a polite laugh and said she’d rather travel somewhere else. 

 

In the end, she chose just to book a nice hotel with a pool and a 24/7 happy hour a few hours away from the city and turn off her phone for a week. 

 

On day two, she cheats. 

 

She has 3 missed calls and way over 300 texts, group chats are the evil of the 21st century.

 

The calls are from an unknown number, her friends knew better than to phone her this week.

 

She thinks it might be important, so she calls back. 

 

She’s heard this sweet voice before. At first, she thinks it’s one of the trainees, or maybe that one girl, Hyo’s youtuber friend she tried to set her up with, and that’s when she knows. The happy voice on the other side of the line is the girl from the bar a few months ago. 

 

She ends up inviting her over to spend the week. 

 

Loneliness makes decisions for her. 

  
  
  


In that week Amber learns a lot of things. 

 

She learns Yuri is a painter and a photographer, with a sepia inspired collection currently in exhibition in one of Paris’ finest galleries. She learns mundane things, like how she likes her jasmine tea and that she only likes to shower in cold water, opposite Amber’s calcination habit; she learns precious things as well, Yuri has a baby half-sister, 20 years younger than her who came live with her after their father and her mom died last year, she learns Yuri likes all the books americans are forced to read in high school as well as medieval poetry, Amber also learns just how to  _ press press press _ light enough not to hurt but with enough intent to leave marks on her skin. “I like the reminders, lately. I spend way too much time alone because of my work, it’s nice to be reminded someone has been here.” Yuri let’s her know when they’re in the bath on the last night. 

 

They start going out.

  
  
  


Amber is not hiding Yuri. They hold hands every time they go out to all the unique cafes Yuri likes, they cuddle on Amber’s couch next to Soojung the night they decide to stay up and go through all Lord Of The Rings movies; she meets her little sister, and Yuri meets all of her close friends. 

 

Amber is not hiding Yuri. 

 

At work things start picking up again and by November Amber starts basically living in the studio. Taeyeon, of course, stays. 

 

Amber is not hiding Yuri, she just hasn’t told her assistant or anyone at work. And it’s okay, isn’t it? It’s the proper etiquette. 

 

“I told you to go an hour ago, go home.” 

 

Taeyeon spends more time on her phone now, Amber notices. The bright light reflecting on her face more often than not. It’s not a work problem. It’s just annoying. Even now, the blonde replies without tearing her eyes off of the device. 

 

“I can’t. I’m allergic to my bleeding hearts.”

 

Amber blinks, once, twice. “I have never been more confused in my life.”

 

Taeyeon cracks a smile and looks up, and then looks at Amber almost with an ingenuous smile, and Amber forgets how annoyed she has been with the girl lately. “You don’t know what Asian bleeding hearts are?”

 

“Should I? Is it contagious?” 

 

The room is really dark - both of them are going to need a new prescription for their glasses by the end of the year if they keep spending so much time in front of bright computer screens in this tiny dark room.

 

It didn’t used to be like this, Amber would always leave her light on during late nights, another thing that changed with Taeyeon. The girl rambling on about how dark tones sparkle creativity. Amber is not sure about that, but at least it  _ feels _ nice.  

 

The girl reached for her bag and pulls out a leather notebook. Amber knows it’s not another sketch book instantly because of how well kept it looks. She’s focused on Taeyeon’s  hands roam through the pages. “Aha!”, they stop. 

 

Taeyeon turns the book in Amber’s direction showing her two pages forming a collage. Some pictures, some doodles and even some dried leaves, of what Amber suspects, is a pink flower. “This is a bleeding heart. Lamprocapnos. Or also, Asian bleeding heart.” Amber takes it from her nonchalantly and brings it up to her face. The way little kids do when they are learning to read. 

 

That’s literally what it looks like. A bleeding heart. 

 

The flower is unlike anything she’s seen before. Heart shaped, with what Amber can only describe as a _ drop _ of  _ something _ on the bottom. A drop of blood. 

 

Taeyeon offers a small sigh, “My dad is a florist. When I was younger, I used to spend hours on end losing myself in his tiny shop.

 

He had a little bit of everything, from herbs to exotic poisonous plants. That’s where I picked up sketching, I would always doodle what I saw, take notes of what I heard. My dad really loved it. Every moment of it.” Taeyeon is now kneeling next to Amber, both of them running their fingers through the book. 

 

They start flipping through the pages and pointing at the things that catch their eyes.

 

The images, for the most part, look distant. As if the flowers mean nothing to the person, the people, that took them. But through the impact they’ve had in Taeyeon Amber wants to know, how do they look like when the wind is making them dance? What shapes do rain drops trace on them? _ What do they feel like _ ?

 

The notebook is also filled with notes, poems, doodles, descriptions of flowers. It’s impeccably done, something Amber wasn’t expecting from her assistant, but perhaps should have. “My favorite spot in the shop was at the very back, the temperature controlled room, it had pretty pastel green walls and my dad put soft pink cushions for me to sit on, right under them.”

 

Her voice is a bit shaken, nothing dramatic enough for it to feel from one of Soojung’s shows, but intimate enough to make Amber’s skin go cold. She’s talking with her arms. Everything bigs big in the tiny room.

 

They’ve never touched more than the occasional high fives or pats on the back, Amber realises. Her mind goes back to that night she showed her Junmyeon’s song for the first time, when she felt  _ want _ , and reality greets her loud and clear. She’s been making  _ something  _ out of this person in front of her. 

 

She’s created a Thing out of her. So caught up in what she wants Taeyeon to be, to mean, to get to know her. Up until now, the thought of Taeyeon having a father, or life outside “never debuting” never even occurred to her. And Amber wants to cry. Wants to tell her how sorry she is, that she’ll be better now. But knows it wouldn’t make sense to her. 

 

Taeyeon starts tearing up softly, and Amber forces herself to look away.

 

“Some also call them Lady In The Bath, personally, that’s my favorite name for them.”

 

They laugh.

  
  


“Is something wrong?” The sound of Yuri’s voice in Amber’s neck is velvet. It’s calming. A refreshing spring breeze. It does nothing to Amber. Nothing where it should be doing things, at least. 

 

She asks again later that week, this time they’re not in bed. 

 

The gallery is built in a way you can see everywhere wherever you stand. Right now, Amber can see the group of teenage boys pretending to admire one of the paintings, but are really here to see the picture of the naked model on the far left if their giggles and gasps are any indication. Every wall is white, the floor is white, the lights are so bright Amber has a headache. She’s so out of it, that even listening to whatever explanation of the paintings Yuri is giving her is taking all of her energy.

 

Yuri is taller than Amber, and likes wearing heels. She has cream colored ones on today, with light pink pants and a white dress shirt. She’s beautiful. With beautiful eyes and soft skin, brings pretty smells and a warmth. Amber knows that if this was a movie, she’d be playing the role of the “reacher” and Yuri would be the “settler”. But this isn’t a movie. 

 

If this was a movie, Amber would love her by now.

 

She’d count every seconds they are apart and chase after any moment with her. If this was a movie, Yuri would answer her calls and would want to do something Amber wants to do, at least once.  But this isn’t a movie. 

 

If this was a movie, Amber would smile and say that nothing’s wrong. 

 

But, this isn’t a movie. This is real life and Amber is only good pretending when there’s nothing for her left to mess up.

  
  


Amber opens her mouth before she can stop herself, “I think you’re selfish.”

 

Yuri let’s go of her hand and shows her a sneer, leaving Amber almost feeling pathetic, “I know we’ve been sleeping together for a while, but you barely know me Amber.” 

 

Amber thinks that’s not correct. 

 

Amber starts rubbing her face with her palms and steps back, “But you are. You are to me.”

 

Yuri drops her arms from where she had them on her hips and steps closer, so close, she’s fighting for visual contact. “I told myself I was crazy for thinking you didn’t know. But you really don’t.” 

“What are you  _ talking _ about?”

 

“Amber, I’m not making you only do thing I want because I’m selfish. I’m making you- us, do these things because you don’t like anything.

 

Nothing pleases you, nothing excites you. You fake sweetness and  interest. At the beginning, I brushed it over because you seemed worth the try, but goddamn it Amber, it’s like you are  _ dead _ .”

 

She doesn’t care about the teenagers watching them right now because Yuri raised her voice too much, she doesn't even feel hurt, because Yuri is wrong. 

 

Amber knows. Amber stopped feeling a long time ago.

 

If this was a movie, Amber would be fixed just by hearing it. 

 

But this isn’t a movie.

 

“I care about music.” 

 

Yuri laughs, but it sounds more like a plea for peace than a mockery. “Do you  _ want _ to try and care about  _ something _ else?”

 

“Today, I don’t know.”

 

═♥═

  
  


“Do you believe in magic?” 

 

Soojung is downside up on the couch, her long hair touching the floor and her legs hanging from the backrest. She’s also been obnoxiously sucking on a lollipop for the last forty minutes, interest in the movie long gone. 

 

“Jesus christ, what are you on?”

 

“It’s a very good question, think about it.”

 

Does she believe in magic?

 

“I think I stopped believing in anything a long time ago.”

 

Soojung starts crying. It shocks Amber, she’s never seen her cry before. She’s also mildly worried she’ll choke on the candy. “Oh come on! Please, at least sit up right.”

 

“Why would you say that? That’s not true!” Amber decides on taking the candy from her and starts petting her head, which somehow ended on her own lap. “I see you Amber, when you think no one is watching You Care. Amber please-” she’s sobbing down, and Amber is Tired. She’s had three people critique herself this week, including herself, and tears start forming in her own eyes. She’s just so tired. “-please Amber just, forgive yourself, and whomever else you need to to be  _ okay _ .”

 

She let’s herself cry for a while. Soojung stays on her lap, like a kitten, and she curls herself on her. Resting her own her on her roomates hips for the longest time. 

 

They talk some more. 

 

They are all silly, mundane, nothing worth building walls up for.

 

She calls her mother that night, finally releasing her lungs from the pressure she’s put them in for the longest time. 

  
  


═♥═

 

_ today, i want to. _

 

She texts Yuri at 4 am. 

  
  


**Track Five: Morena Mia**

 

The new month brings more work and  _ air _ . Amber is breathing again. 

 

She starts trying. Yuri and Soojung help. 

 

After her mother, she goes to her friends. 

 

She’s still running, but her legs aren’t numb anymore. She finally feels the pain from so many years on the run.

 

“Your music’s gotten better.” Victoria pops in while she’s having a session with Tiffany. They’re on a break, they’ve been on a break for twenty minutes, apparently, it was a bad idea to put Taeyeon and Tiffany together, the two laughing loud inside the small cabin over nothing Amber understands. 

 

“Was it getting bad?” 

 

Victoria shrugs, “Predictable.” Amber will give her that. 

 

She’s leaning on the door’s frame, all dressed in black. She’s so long. And so intimidating. Taeyeon confessed to being scared of her once, Amber laughed because she’s seen her boss drunk out of her mind having conversation with dogs on the street, but she understands. “They’re putting it on their debut mini.”

 

“Excuse me?” 

 

“The song you made with Junmyeon. The boss liked it.”

 

Oh, that’s surprising. “He must be really happy.”

 

Victoria nods, “They need you to twitch the lyrics a bit to make it a love song,” of course, “but that’s it. There’s one more thing.” 

 

“Yeah?” She throws her a white envelope, Amber barely catches it, “Congratulations, you just scored yourself a promotion.” Victoria winks and leaves.

 

It’s a contract, the copy of one. 

 

_ Creative Director, EXO.  _

 

“ _ Holy shit _ \- Girls,” her assistant and Tiffany look up from their shared coloring book, Amber can’t believe she’s about to take these women drinking, ridiculous, the two of them, “drop your finger paints, I’m hard carrying tonight!” The three of them start clapping and cheering. Ridiculous, all of them. 

  
  


═♥═

 

Tiffany, being the one who needs to worry about where she won’t be seen, choses the bar. 

 

It shows, the place smells of citrus and hand crafted wine glasses, expensive. Taeyeon leans into her ear to be heard over the loud music, a shot with pink liquid already in her hand, “I’ve been here before, enjoy the check Mrs. Big Shot!” 

 

“Fuck off!”

 

Last time Amber was in a bar, she met Yuri. The memory warms her a little, still not enough, she thinks.

 

Yuri. “Shit!” She takes her cellphone out of her back pocket.

 

“Hi babe!” Maybe it’s the alcohol, or the guilt of forgetting to call, but her voice sounds  _ so so so _ lovely to Amber tonight,, “You’re out?”

 

“I got a promotion, come celebrate!”

  
  
  


Every good piece of music needs to have fluidity, so does sex. And that’s exactly what the night brings with it, a flow.

 

In the forty minutes that takes Yuri to get to the bar, Amber does three things. She downs enough tequila shots so send a teenager to the hospital, fifteen shots to be exact, she begs for the constant weight of Taeyeon’s arm on her lower back  _ “to ground me, I don’t want to throw up.” _ , a pathetic excuse, she knows Taeyeon and Tiffany probably share a look for. She also starts running her mouth, like, a lot.

 

This is the type of drunk she is, the one that asks and asks and takes and takes. If this surprised Taeyeon, she doesn’t show it, humoring all of Amber’s wonders. 

 

The funny thing about this particular stage of drunk is, at least to Amber, how aware you are compared to how unable you are to stop yourself. Amber knows it’s not a good idea to bring up the accident with Wendy from a few months ago, but here she is, doing it. 

 

Taeyeon looks more amused than angered, “Spying on your employees is not moral, Amber Liu.”

 

They’re leaning against the bar. Taeyeon brings her arms up and stretches. Even though Amber promised herself not to make something out of her, she is in no position to control herself right now, so she looks down to where Taeyeon’s shirt is rising up revealing a bit of her stomach. “Dating trainees is strictly prohibited for the staff, and you, my dear, are her vocal coach. Quite immoral as well, if you ask me.” 

 

“How did you go from asking me if I was bullying the kid to assume we are dating?” She’s playing coy,  Amber knows this. 

 

“That’s what it was, wasn’t it?” She can hear and feel herself tripping over her words because of how numb her tongue is, something else she can feel is the blush on her cheeks. 

 

Taeyeon looks like she’s evaluating the situation, whether or not this will get her in trouble. “To my defense, we were  _ both _ trainees when I fucked her.” 

 

Amber is quiet for a bit, mostly just to give her theatrical gasp more impact. “So you are not anymore? Fucking, I mean.”

 

Taeyeon is smirking. She looks like a little devil, not The Devil, she looks like the sultry representation from thriller movies. Amber wants to stop, get off, rewind. “No. Why?” She looks down to confirm the hand she felt on her waist is really there and in the second it takes her to look back up Taeyeon is there, so close to her ear, close enough to feel her breath, “ _ Jealous _ ?” 

 

Alcohol is a selfless. Let's people blame their mistakes on it. 

 

If this was a movie, It'd go one of two ways; They'd kiss right now. The restless nights when Amber tried to ignore fairy Kim Taeyeon would become a cute memory they'd share as they ran into the sunset. All background characters would just fade away, never hearing from them again, and at the end, there'll be bleeding hearts in the closing credits.

 

Or, Yuri would be there. In her mind. Because in the movie Amber would rather watch, she is not a monster. She remembers she has a girl, and how much she wants her to be there. So she’d politely decline and run out of the bar, jump in a cab and go to Yuri.

 

This isn't a movie.

 

Tonight, Amber is enamoured with a lot of things. With the way Taeyeon holds her drinks, with her fingers instead of her palm, and the way she knows Yuri smells. Tonight she wants to discover new things and revisit what she already knows well. 

 

In the end, it is not her decision. 

 

There’s another hand on her neck, and a familiar voice in her ears. “You look hot when you’re drunk and have pretty girls all over you.”

 

Yuri looks beautiful as always. Her bangs are down tonight and her honey colored hair is in tired waves from a long day running around. Amber smiles up at her because she is genuinely happy to see her girlfriend. To see her in one of her pretty white dresses, the one with the lace around the shoulders, they bought it a few days ago when they were walking around town.

 

“Yuri,, nice to finally meet you.” Amber watches in a daze as the girls introduce themselves. Almost like she isn’t there at all. Both of them still have a hand on Amber, that is until Yuri pulls a chair between them more aggressively than it’s necessary, maybe a little too blunt, maybe that’s what makes Taeyeon laugh, maybe it’s something Yuri says, Amber can’t really tell. 

  
  


More friends start showing up and so do more and more drinks. Everything starts tasting the same, every song getting played is the best song, every smile is blinding and every touch is arousing. 

 

“I finally understand.” Yuri says from where her head is resting on Amber’s shoulder two hours later. They’re slow dancing to a Beyonce song that wasn’t meant to be slow danced to.

 

Amber asks what she means, “What your problem is. I used to think it was not feeling, seeing you with other people has made me realize, you feel too much. Just, not the right things.”

 

Yuri starts to slowly leave kisses up Amber’s neck and back down to her collarbone. Her neck is a bit sticky from the thin layer of sweat courtesy of bright lights and having her personal space gone. She’s tapping her fingers against the bar. Her rings making the vibrations from the music travel up her arm, she can feel the music all over her body now.

 

She knows Yuri is putting on a show. And if Amber tilts her head and parts her lips a little, it’s just to play along.

 

Tonight, everyone is here for her.  _ Everyone _ .

  
  


Something in spanish starts playing. She’s too far gone to be sure, but she thinks it’s Miguel Bose. 

 

Yuri breaks off the kissing, not without placing herself between Amber and the bar and ordering all three of them another round.

 

Taeyeon should look uncomfortable, amused at least. Later that night, Amber would remember this moment and know it was when decision were being made.

 

Tonight, everyone is here for Amber and there’s another drink waiting for her.

  
  
  


Amber has felt this before, cold sheets turning warm with touch, becoming damp with sweat; the burning sensation begging her to reach and feel, taste. She knows what the numbness on her tongue means. 

 

Amber has felt this before, but never like this.

 

She’s never felt two different touches before.

  
  
  
  
  


It all comes down too quickly, Amber considers. All the built up long gone and forgotten, put away inside a drawer to remember years from now when all of this becomes just memories. She tries to close her eyes, tries to calm her breath. _ “We’re grown ups Amber, no wrong was done.” _ Yuri had said before she drifted off to sleep, so why is she drowning again? “Aren’t you tired?”

 

At first she thinks it’s her own conscious speaking to her, but she knows how the voices inside her head sound, they’re not as kind. She looks to her right where Taeyeon claimed the bed, the lights are off, the only source of light coming from Yuri’s opened window letting the street lights in. She was quiet, careful to not wake Yuri up, Amber doesn't know if she’s capable of being quiet now, with how loud everything inside of her is. 

 

Taeyeon is on her side, her hands supporting her face, with a mess of white sheets around her feet. She’s the prettiest like this, she thinks, with her make up all sweat out, and her skin still textured from the goosebumps the climax left behind. She sees her mouth moving, but can’t hear her. She wonders if Taeyeon can hear her own heartbeat as well. Closing her eyes will have to do for now.

 

She counts to five hundred before she feels the vibrations from someone speaking again, “Amber,” soft fingers on her hair, no indication of long styled nails, they must be Taeyeon’s, “I asked if you’re not tired.”

 

Is she? She’s the type to always be physically tired after sex, probably from the lack of cardio in her daily life, but she isn’t tired tonight. “No.” She doesn't know whether she was loud or not, but she knows Taeyeon heard her because she feels the bed shift from her nodding. 

 

She makes her way to a hundred, slowly this time, before the bed shifts again. “Let’s go on a walk, the sun will be out soon.”

 

See the sunrise with the pretty girl you’ve been pining over for almost a year, after a night of passion? Maybe this is a movie after all. 

  
  


The streets are at their prettiest this time of the night, as far as Amber is concerned. Everything is soft noises, but far from lonely. It’s really cold, which only make her want to walk more, to warm herself up. It’s still dark at 5 am, so the shop lights still make everything seem like one of those famous streets in Tokyo, but the birds chirping let you know it’ll be bright soon. Another day, a new beginning. 

 

She’s calmer now, Taeyeon helped. But she’s not Soojung or Yuri, she won’t push until Amber breaks and finally stops picking herself apart. “This was your first time with two people, right?” Amber nods, they’re on their way to the park near Yuri’s building to see the sunrise, each holding a bag of pastries and choco milk Taeyeon bought for them. “Amber if you feel like… if you feel like you were pushed into doing this you, you have to let us know.”

 

She stops dead on her track, “Oh god, no. That’s- I’m sorry you think- no Taeyeon that is not what this is, I-” 

 

“It’s okay, stop shaking, you look like Tiffany’s ugly chihuahua.” 

  
  


It’s not until after the sun is already up, when they’re on their way to have breakfast where Yuri is waiting for them, that she can put into words what caused her to feel this way. “I just, want to know the reason why I did it. It’s not like me to act that way.”

 

At first, Taeyeon looks mildly offended, then she looks like she might mock her. “You know, for a second there I felt like you were calling me a slut.” 

 

They’re walking uphill, having the clothes from a night out finally taking a toll on her making her feel uncomfortable and loud. Like everyone is going to be looking at her the second, she walks through the restaurant’s door. 

 

“You know Amber, reason is not the only path to truth.”

  
  


**Track Six: Somewhere I Belong**

 

It’s Yuri who suggests therapy, that same day after they’ve dropped Taeyeon off. She parks her car, lowers the radio and takes a deep breath. She puts weight behind every one of her words. Amber laughs, and it is not until she starts tasting salt on her tongue that she realises she’s crying as well. 

 

Yuri makes the appointment for the next day. 

 

She’s closing off again, she knows it. This time she knows it. 

 

That’s the only thing that’s different now, from the time before Yuri came into her life. She knows it now. 

 

She has a name for it. 

 

Post traumatic stress disorder. The doctors says something about her father’s death. She spends the first few weeks calling bullshit, until she’s in the studio one night and something, a smell, reminds her of him. 

 

She doesn't remember much from that night, one second she’s looking down at her screen, and the next thing she knows, she’s home, a very worried and loud Soojung on her side. 

 

_ “You know Amber, reason is not the only path to truth.” _

 

Taeyeon’s words won't leave her head. 

 

Later, after Soojung has helped her out of her clothes and into her bed, she’s told Junmyeon found her screaming inside a bathroom stool and brought her home. 

 

She has a name for it now. It feels weird on her mouth, foreign to her ears, and painful to her heart. 

 

She tells Victoria first, “I think I need time off to heal.”

 

No one gets time for themselves, not in an industry that moves so fast, but of course her boss gives it to her.

 

She doesn’t want to, but she tells her mother after that. “Are you sure?” she asks, this time, she accepts when her mom offers to fly out and take care of her. 

 

Therapy was Yuri’s idea, checking into the hospital is her own. 

  
  
  
  


One day at a time. If there’s anything you want to do, do it.

  
  
  


She finishes treatment on a Tuesday. 

  
  


**Track Seven: Time Lapse**

 

No one tells her directly, but word travels fast in a building where tennagers roam around. The first time she hears it is when she’s giving the young boys a lesson on breathing techniques, “I heard Junmyeon-hyung had to carry her from how drunk she was”, “Oh, I heard she wasn’t drunk, just crazy”, “It’s a shame, she made cool songs.”

 

It isn’t until Taeyeon’s feet are burning that she realises she’s running upstairs. 

 

She asks Junmyeon first, “I’ll talk to them,” he says after assuring her Amber is okay, and that it wasn't that way, “they shouldn’t talk so carelessly.” Quite frankly, Amber doesn’t care.

 

She talks to Yuri then, calls her.

 

“She’s in the center near the airport, visiting hours are before seven.” 

 

Wendy tells her to go, they’re having coffee, for the first time just as friends. “I can’t, what if I did it to her? Burdening her with my own troubles.” 

 

Wendy calls her stupid, “I wanted to hate you both, when you told me there was someone else. I wish you hadn’t lied to me, I wish you didn’t tell me you were cheating on me.”

 

She’s looking at her, Taeyeon always admired how brave Wendy was, contrary to herself, who is looking at her old drink, playing with the spoon, just because she’s too scared to look into her eyes. “I had to lie. You would have wanted to work on it had I given you a window.”

 

They both know she’s right, “When you asked me to be your girlfriend, remember what the only thing I asked you was?” 

 

Wendy is quiet for a while, long enough to down her tea. Long enough for Taeyeon to finally look up, “Do you?” She asks Wendy again, this time looking at her.

 

“You asked me to end it if I ever felt something for someone else. I just, always assumed it’s be that way, not the other way around.”

 

“I knew, if I had given you the truth, the - it’s just a tickle, just a crush - talk, you wouldn’t have let me go.” 

 

Wendy isn’t embarrassed to show her feelings. Never was. Taeyeon isn’t uncomfortable to see her cry. “Still, I wish you hadn't end it with a lie.”

 

Taeyeon pays for both of them.

  
  
  


Taeyeon gets a call on a Sunday morning, it’s from Victoria. “You to finish mastering the songs Amber left unfinished.” It’s obviously not a request. She knows how to do it, has learned from watching Amber for a year, life goes on so she gets it done in two weeks.

  
  
  


Time moves. Sometimes slowly, like after she’s done turning in everything Amber left behind and she ends with no work and no link back to her. Sometimes fast, like when she’s spending time with her mom, the hours go by quickly when she wishes they didn’t. And then, before she knows it. It’s been a month, and then two. 

 

She starts measuring time by the weeks Amber’s been gone. Always telling herself, “I’ll visit this week.” 

 

She spends a lot of time around people, Yuri becomes one of them, for a while.

 

The first time they hang out, is in a coffee shop. Yuri welcomes her with, “Amber’s the star patient of the week.” Taeyeon doesn’t ask what the means, but feels a bit of relief.

 

She doesn't know, if giving the way the night they met went, they’re supposed to be romantic. The second time they meet for a walk, they end up in the same shop where she used to get Amber’s lunches. No, they’re not romantic. 

 

They never talk about what happened that night, at least not about the sex. They drink a lot of coffee, Taeyeon decides she doesn’t like her on a Wednesday, after she downs three espressos in an hour. 

 

“Why do you keep seeing her?” Tiffany asks her on a text, she leaves her on seen. These days she’s too exhausted from doing nothing to waste energy with obvious answers. 

 

“You never ask me how she is.” Yuri points out, she always looks almighty. Unreachable, like nothing is good enough for her. Taeyeon doesn't know what Amber saw in her. “But I always tell you, anyway.” She grunts and Yuri smiles, she’s thinking Taeyeon is dumb, again. “I saw her Sunday, she’s allowed to have her phone and work again. Made her happy.” 

 

The thing is, Soojung and Amber might like it, Yuri’s god complex, but she hates it. She hates that the only thing she saw in Amber was something to fix, she sees right through it, and she hates it. 

 

She hates that she’s becomed her new school project. Something to work on while Amber is away.

 

Taeyeon rolls her eyes. “She never mentioned you before the bar.” She says it to hurt Yuri knowing it wont. 

 

“She broke up with me on Monday, through a call. It was amusing, I’m pretty sure it was the first thing she did after getting her phone back.”

 

Taeyeon feels relief, until she understands what that means. She’s lost another link to Amber.

 

“I’m younger than both of you, did you know?” Taeyeon shakes her head no, “You didn’t because both of you act like children. Amber has an excuse, what is yours?”

 

She leaves, they don’t see each other again.

 

She’s on week two of the third month when she gets called in. Something urgent. 

 

“There is a new project,” one of the men in suits says, she knows the unnecessary pauses they take are for her to nod, so she does, “we’d like to test it out with you.” she nods again, but this time with intent, “It’s called Station.”

 

The details are explained. They want her to write a song, record it, release it on the first day of the new year.

 

Time only goes fast after that. Time reminding her of Amber every chance it has. A blanket on the studio them make her work in, the pages of a journal she shared. 

  
  


She finally visits when the song is finished. It’s December 23rd.

  
  
  
  


**Track Eight: Y, ¿Si Fuera Ella?**

 

She knows it’s Taeyeon waiting for her just from the way the nurse announced her, “pretty girl, first time visiting.” 

 

She hears her before she sees her, “I’m sorry, I didn’t see you.” 

 

“It’s only water, it’s okay kid.” 

 

Amber laughs, “You’re terrorizing sick people now?”

 

Taeyeon turns around fast, the first thing Amber notices is her hair is black and long now. Then she sees her frighten look, “I’m joking, Jaehyun is just a visitor.”

 

They do what they always did best, play pretend. They walk for a while, Amber has had free access to walk around for a while, Taeyeon tells her fun office gossip, and she lets her. “I think what you said to me that day triggered something.”

 

“The thing about reason?” Amber nods. “Turns out, questioning everything caused a lot of my attacks. Everything’s better now that I’ve, stopped…”

 

They leave it at that, for once, Amber is thankful that the whole visit is not just  people trying to understand, and be helpful. Instead of just being there with her.

 

She already knows about the song, Victoria told her when she visited. She still acts surprised when Taeyeon brings it up, “You’re so old to be debuting, Kahi is shaking.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

It’s Tuesday, December 23rd. Amber’s mom drives her home that same night.

  
  


The company gives her leave time for another month,  _ one day at a time, if there’s anything you want to do, do it now. _ She goes to Los Angeles for the new year.  

 

It’s 4 am, December 31st, she’s in her old room, now her brother’s, in her nice pajamas, and the whole house is asleep when Taeyeon’s song drops. 

 

She gets the youtube notification first, TAEYEON 태연_Time_Lapse_Music Video. She’s got her headphones on and is about to press play when she get’s the text,   _ happy new year, captain oh! Captain _

 

She smiles with her whole body. She’s going to be alright. 

 

It becomes her favorite song.

  
  
  


She never dreams of that room again.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this April 2016. It took so long mostly because well, life does get in the way of these things, but there's also something very heavy about writing universe alterations about people who've been such a big part of your life for so long that I didn't take into consideration. 
> 
> They way I approached Amber's treatmeant is very losely based off my own. I'm not a professional so I didn't want to be too especific about it. I hope no one is triggered by this. 
> 
>  
> 
> In loving memory of Kim Jonghyun, you did well.


End file.
